Fun with Squirrels by Devin

I can talk to squirrels, you know. It's true. Whenever I see one, I crouch down and make a certain clicking noise with my tongue, and they always come over to investigate. First they freeze, and cock their head in my direction. Then, they take hesitant, slow steps over to where I am. At that point, I usually just say "hello there" and then get up and continue on my way. I used to make the mistake of holding out my hand to them. They would come up to me, sniff my finger, and then get so annoyed that I didn't have any food that they would bite my finger and dash off.

There have been several times when a curious squirrel has come into my house. In the summer time we leave the patio door open all the time, to enjoy the breeze, and once in a while a squirrel will walk in. Madness ensues. The people in the house start screaming, which frightens the squirrel, who streaks around in all directions trying to escape. But the squirrel never finds the door it came in from, so it runs into all the rooms just destroying stuff - it jumps onto tables and knocks over ornaments and lamps, it tries to scale the walls and knocks paintings and picture frames onto the ground - it basically rips through your house like a drunk tornado. One time, the only way we could get a lost squirrel out of the house was to try and catch it first. After many failed attempts, somebody had an idea to roll up a big persian carpet we had and get the squirrel to run in there. This somehow worked. The squirrel ran into the rolled up carpet, and two of us picked it up and clamped down the ends. We ran the contraption outside and dumped it on the lawn. Goodbye, little friend.